


But if you close your eyes

by hazelandglasz



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fights, Lies, M/M, Resentment, Song Lyrics, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-07
Updated: 2014-05-07
Packaged: 2018-01-23 21:36:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1580384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazelandglasz/pseuds/hazelandglasz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine's lies come into the light<br/>A reaction fic to the announcement of a certain song being featured in the season finale</p>
            </blockquote>





	But if you close your eyes

"You lied to me. Again."

Kurt’s voice doesn’t even rise. It’s not a question, it’s not an accusation, it’s just stating a fact and in some ways, it’s even worse. Blaine winces but doesn’t look away. “I was sure I could convince June to let you—“

“Let me?”

Blaine blinks and frowns at Kurt.

“ _Let_ me? As if you’re allowing me a spot in the grand Blaine Anderson show?” Kurt repeats, his voice growing colder as he advances on Blaine but stops at arm’s length. “As if I need you to _let_ me take the stage?”

“It’s her conditions, not mine, Kurt,” Blaine pleads, “and I really wanted you right here with me. She just –“

“She just can’t have the spotlight removed from her perfectly acceptable, perfect Alpha gay plaything!”

Kurt’s voice is humorless, and that hurts, more than Blaine can express and he feels his eyes filling up with tears. “That’s not fair, Kurt, and you know it.”

Kurt lets out a sigh before shaking his head. “The fact remains that you lied to me, Blaine.”

“For your own good!” he exclaims, throwing his arms up in the air. “Can’t you see that? I couldn’t stand watching you being so disappointed when there was a chance that she would change her coo coo mind !”

“Look at me in the eyes and tell me that you tried everything you could,” Kurt replies. “Tell me that you stopped pushing when she threatened to cut her support and not a second before.”

"I did - I told her that however good she thought I was, I would only be better with you by my side!" Blaine protests, standing up.

The two keep on arguing back and forth, Kurt accusing Blaine of not thinking of _them_ as a team (and throwing a thinly veiled hit at Blaine’s “stealing” Tony from him two years ago), Blaine defending himself and trying to show what he actually did for the both of them.

The clock strikes 3 a.m. when Kurt looks away, playing with his ring. “What’s next Blaine? We get married but you build your career on playing straight?”

Blaine feels like all of his oxygen has been sucked from his body, even though Kurt’s eyes widen and he opens his mouth - no doubt to say that he didn’t mean it - but Blaine raises one hand in front of him, between them really and he closes his eyes.

"I’ll — I’ll just go."

"Blaine," Kurt starts but Blaine shakes his head, hiding his face behind the collar of his jacket.

"I just need to think, ok? I have my phone and I… I love you, Kurt."

Kurt seems to be keeping his tears at bay, chewing on his lower lip. “I love you too,” he whispers as Blaine closes the door.

—-

At 3 a.m., New York looks very different. Still alive, still awake, but in a subdued kind of way.

Or maybe it’s because Blaine’s thoughts are occupying all of his mental space.

Back in May, when they had gotten engaged, Blaine had been convinced that New York would be the perfect place to get a fresh start.

But if anything, Kurt’s accusations don’t sound fresh at all. They sound like Kurt has let them fester, time and time again, without bothering to clear the wound.

Maybe Blaine is responsible too, maybe he should have seen how the situation with June - and all the auditions Kurt had been to without anything to show for it but a bruised ego - hurt Kurt more than he let on. How Kurt’s encouragements were hiding his resentment.

No matter where he looks, Blaine feels like the whole city, instead of the perfect frame for the new step in their relationship, is tumbling down around them, around him and Blaine lets himself sing under his breath.

_And the walls keep tumbling down_

_In the city that we looo—ove_

_Great clouds roll over the hills_

_Bringing darkness from abooo-oove_

Blaine waits for the walking light to turn green and he knocks the pavement with his heel.

Yep, grey clouds are definitely gathering over them - it’s like there is no possible positive outcome for Kurt and him. Maybe they’re not really soulmates, no matter what his heart tells him.

_But if you close your eyes_

_Does it almost feel like nothing’s changed at all?_

When Blaine closes his eyes, he can almost convince himself that he’s not wandering the streets trying to figure out what to do, trying to figure out if his couple is broken beyond repair. He can almost convince himself that he’s actually trying to find milk for Kurt who is waiting back at _their_ apartment because neither can sleep so they’ll have mugs of warm milk and they’ll talk and kiss and maybe spill some of it and —

Almost.

_And if you close your eyes_

_Does it almost feel like you’ve been here before?_

It’s not their first fight, be it for personal or professional reasons, but it’s the first time that Blaine feels like Kurt doesn’t know him at all.

Coming out was painful enough - figuratively and literally - to make sure that Blaine will never even tiptoe back inside.

And for Kurt to accuse him of wanting to hide him; to hide what they have …

Blaine knows that he was wrong not to tell Kurt that he wouldn’t get a part in the showcase, he can acknowledge that.

But Kurt took it too far. And Blaine still needs time to think.

—-

Cleaning around the loft is Kurt’s usual go-to technique to clear his mind.

singing under his breath, he cleans plate after glass after cutlery, and he tries to let go of the tension in his fingers, in his body, but not to avail.

_We were caught up and lost in all of our vices_

_In your pose, as the dust settled around us_

Damn that song for sticking in his brain.

Damn it for hitting too close to home, and damn all the radio for catching up the Bastille train.

Dust definitely seems to have settled around him, around Blaine and him actually, the bitter taste of their fight still lingering in his mouth.

He knows why Blaine lied to him. He knows that Blaine probably tried to turn the attention to their advantage.

Emphasis on _their_.

But it felt like a slap in the face, like all the “loser” and “no good enough” and “too gay to function” he has been forced to endure came back in his heart and out of his mouth with a vengeance.

_Oh where do we begin?_

_The rubble or our sins?_

His sins, he knows them : pride, so much of it, keeping him from asking for help and hating to apologize.

The rubble … He doesn’t want to face it, truth be told, because it would mean that there is something broken that needs mending.

The look on Blaine’s face as he closed the door - that can’t be called anything else but broken.

But is it broken beyond repair or can Kurt salvage it? Salvage them?

_How am I gonna be an optimist about this?_

—-

Blaine stops walking when his feet start hurting, and he realizes that he has practically crossed the Brooklyn Bridge. His pocket watch tells him that it’s almost 5am, and looking up, he can see the sky clearing up, like the celestial bodies are getting ready for the big show of the Sunrise.

On the Hudson, he can already see hints of pinks and oranges, and he stands there for a little while, hands in his pockets as he lets early joggers pass him by.

_Oh where do we begin?_

_The rubble or our sins?_

Still that song under his breath, and Blaine wants to believe in it, that now that all the ugliness has been unveiled, they can work at cleaning the mess and rebuild everything.

But wasn’t that the point of getting engaged? Of changing their living arrangements, to give each other’s space?

Did they go too fast too soon too much?

Possibly, but Blaine wouldn’t change any of it.

_And the walls kept tumbling down in the city that we looo-oove_

As the Sun starts its race above the horizon, Blaine slowly starts the journey home, but his feet quicken the pace.

The walls might be tumbling down, but what Kurt and him have is their shelter, no matter how hard the wind blows and how loud the thunder growls.

Blaine is actually running before he fully realizes what he’s doing, and he makes only one stop before resuming his race - a stop at their favorite bakery to buy bread for their breakfast.

He comes to an halt at the corner of the loft’s street. At first, it’s because he doesn’t want to appear disheveled and out of breath when he comes up but as he looks up the slowly awakening street, it’s because Kurt takes his breath away, sitting on the steps that lead to the building’s entrance.

His face is tight in worry, eyes tired and just a little bit red as he looks at Blaine. and yet he has never looked as beautiful in his vulnerability.

It’s all for Blaine to see, for him to look at and for him to appraise. Kurt isn’t hiding anything, his pride in his back pocket as he smiles hesitantly at Blaine.

Blaine sits next to him, removing his jacket in a ball and putting the bread on top of it. “Did you sleep at all?” he asks softly, his knees bumping against Kurt’s.

Kurt shakes his head, his right hand covering his left. Blaine wonders if he took the ring out, if his conclusion is that they need to call it off, but he knows that they need to talk. So they talk.

They talk about the fact that while Blaine wears his insecurities on his sleeves, Kurt buries them under bravado and years of telling himself that he had to be his own fan first. They talk about the fact that New York isn’t the Mecca they pictured it to be — Blaine reaches for Kurt’s hand, and he does breathe a little bit easily when the movement lets him see the silver band still around Kurt’s finger.

They talk about the fact that while they know that they have nothing to prove about their masculinity and their “roles” in their relationship, they can’t stop people from being stupid and from assuming things.

They also talk about the fact that like it or not, their business is one of subjectivity, where the likes and dislikes of some people, and unfortunately, of the people who make the business, cannot be commanded or changed.

"I shouldn’t have lied," Blaine says, offering a slice of bread to Kurt who takes it with a smile. "It would have hurt, but I should have told you the truth. I’m sorry," he adds softly, not looking up from the slice he’s shredding into pieces.

"I shouldn’t have put that pressure on you," Kurt replies. "June doesn’t like me, so be it. Her loss, right?"

"Right - I should tell her that."

"No, don’t you dare," Kurt says, reaching to lift Blaine’s chin and look at him in the eyes. "You’re going to do that showcase, and I’m going to cheer you on and point at you and say ‘That’s my fiancé up there’ like a proud peacock."

Blaine lets out a wet giggle. “And then I’ll thank June for her patronage, but that nothing of it could have been possible without you.”

Kurt smiles and nods, his fingers leaving Kurt’s chin to cup his cheek. “Damn right,” he whispers before leaning forward, letting Blaine tilt his head to meet him halfway into the kiss.

_If you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?_

As they both deepen the kiss, their eyes fluttering close, it feels like the whole change helped them to go back to the start, actually.

_Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh …_


End file.
